lady drinking coffee

You Judged Me and It’s Not OK!

6th August 2017

This was going to be a very different post. You see when I first started this post I had been judged by a lady whilst taking my son to the dentist. That lady had made me so angry. I started writing down all of my frustration in a blog post. Then life happened and it meant delaying that blog post. When I returned to it and read it I realised that it wouldn’t make a difference. That lady wouldn’t read it. She wouldn’t care if she did read it. So I decided to change it. I wanted to ask other people what experiences they had. Share our experiences and let others know they aren’t alone. Yes lady, you judged me but it appears that I’m not alone.

You Judged Me!

First I think I need to share with you why I started this post.

Here’s my story;

I took Reuben to the dentist on my day off. Jessica went to her Grandparents.
We were in the waiting room. the lady didn’t pay me any attention. That is until she saw me send a quick message to a friend when she tutted. I guess she thought I was ignoring my boy. The truth was I was reassuring a friend who had just had a baby. It was a quick message and then I continued playing ‘I Spy’ with him. I don’t think he even noticed.

Then she struck up a bit of a conversation with Reuben about pre-school, he answered a few questions but then snuggled in, shy it seems. It was then she asked me what was I going to do when he goes to school. I didn’t get a chance to answer before she abruptly told me that I would need to get a job’. I was pretty abrupt with her when I said I had a job, and a baby, to which she replied ‘Oh’.

She had assumed that as I was there mid-week, mid-day I didn’t work, she had no right to judge me and she had no right to comment. If I worked or not it was none of her business, she didn’t know my story, she didn’t know how her words could have really crushed me.

Sadly it isn’t just me things like this have happened to. Read some of my lovely friends stories;

Lianne from Anklebiters Adventures

When my two were a little younger, because there is only a 14 month age difference some people were stunned they were so close in age. One woman on a bus was asking me about their ages etc then said “well you have one of each now , will have to keep your legs crossed so you don’t have any more so close!” My response was what has any of this got to do with you!!

Kerry from K.L.N

Some of the school mums judged me very quickly when my daughter first started school. They’d made presumptions about me based on how I dressed and the fact that I joined the PTA. They then got to know me and we’re now great friends. However, when they confessed to me their initial thoughts, I actually cried lol. I was so upset to think people thought I was like that. Never judge a book by its cover hey.

Lynsey from Mum, Thats Me

I was judged for having a disabled railcard. I’ve been on the train and overheard people saying “she doesn’t look like she needs a railcard.” They were talking about me loudly. I have epilepsy and can’t drive but they didn’t even stop to think about invisible illnesses.

Kate from Modern Mum

I have 6 children and am 34….I get judged all the time. People assume we must be on benefits and don’t work. One mum at school ignored me for the first 3 years, then found out where we lived and that we own our own businesses. She actually came up to me and said ‘I had no idea you lived in that house….we could be good friends!‘…you can imagine what I said!
I’ve spoken to lots of parents of big families and they all find it the same, constant judgement.

Kelly from Mimi Rose and Me

Being a SAHM I always feel as if I’m being judged. Some people think it’s OK to ask personal questions about why I don’t work. It’s not a case of needing to, I wanted to stay at home with my daughter. I normally respond with I know it’s such a bore painting, playing and being able to watch as much Peppa Pig as I like!!!

Emma from Our Fairytale Adventure

I look younger than I am, so have a have had a lot of experiences where I’ve been treated like a ‘young mum’. I’ve had strangers mutter they that ‘I’ve ruined my life’. I was tutted at the dentist, been shunned at baby groups, been refused a table at a cafe and even had someone say “she only looks about 12 and has two kids already’. Once I say ‘actually I’m in my mid twenties and own my own house’ they are nice as pie. But I don’t see why they wouldn’t be if I was younger. All people should be treated with respect and it upsets me that people react in very different ways because of how old they think I am. In my opinion age doesn’t correlate with parenting abilities, so it seems unnecessary to behave in such a different way to a parent based on their age

Danielle from Someone’s Mum

My son has autism and it does happen. 90% of people are understanding but there are always those who tut and stare. It was really hard to deal with at first but these days I focus entirely on him and making him feel better. No one else matters.

Sophie from Soph-obsessed

I get this a lot especially when I say I’m a blogger. People often go “oh right you don’t have a real job then?” I think you can’t educate stupid so I just smile and send that person love!!

Jen from Just Average Jen

I’m a SAHM with my son at school because he has special needs and I’m always judged because he is 11. People think I should work but care for him is impossible. I could only work days he is at school and would need time off for his appointments etc which are obviously more than the average child. People don’t see that though and that it would literally have to be hours he is at school as no before or after school care either! People always assume I’m just lazy!

Emma from Emma Reed

I went on a hen do and I didn’t know many people there. We sat in a taxi just about to go off somewhere and another woman had the cheek to ask me what I actually do all day as a SAHM and whether I get bored. Then she gave me a funny look with a head tilt as though I must be completely boring and thick. I was so taken aback because I would never sit there and judge her for working. I don’t think I had even caught her name before she started probing my life!

Lisa from That British Betty

I was very young when my daughters were born (17 yrs old with my first) and got the snark comments about being a ‘sponger’ back then. Now I’m older and my girls are teenagers, my career has progressed to a point where I work long hours and occasionally have to go away to conferences and client meetings.

Surprisingly, I find that I now get judged for this! I rarely make school/college meetings due to work commitments and when I was in Germany with work a few months ago, I was accused of ‘jetting off again’ by acquaintances and even family members. The girls are always looked after, happy with our lifestyle and it frustrates me so much how people react.

I feel like if I didn’t work I’d be judged, yet I have a job that I love, earn money to support the kids (I had no choice but to be financially independent at first after a break up left us with nothing) and I still get criticised. I’m hoping that at least my daughters will respect my work ethic and maybe even follow suit one day!

Beth from Twinderelmo

This is going to sound odd but bare with me;
People have often said “oh wow you must be supermum, I don’t know how you do it” as I had twins. Obviously it’s a nice complement but at baby groups I often felt alienated because people didn’t seem to want to moan in front of me therefore actively avoiding talking to me. Or if they did they felt the need to say, oh but I’m sure it’s harder with two.
In fact, I just wanted some/any one to talk to! It wasn’t a competition and we all had babies, I just had a bonus one. I wasn’t a super parent at all. I wanted to chat and moan along with them but they seemed a tad on edge and that was hard.

Have you ever had someone judge you. Let me know what happened below.

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26 responses to “You Judged Me and It’s Not OK!”

  1. Jaki says:

    Hehe and again from #blogstravaganza – we must have been on the same schedule last week! 🙂

  2. Jaki says:

    Popping back from #ThatFridayLinky 🙂

  3. Louise - Mummy Miller says:

    Even if I ever thought something in my head, I would never say it aloud to the person!! I feel judged sometimes, a lot of the mums I know are 5+ years older than me, and I have had comments about me being a young mum! I’m 25 so I’m definitely not a young mum! #triumphanttales

    • Exactly! You would keep it to yourself so as not to upset that person. We’re in a world where 25 is too young, over 40 is too old – when is the right time if we listen to others…… thanks for commenting x

  4. Nige says:

    people I just wish they would mind there own buisness Thank you for linking to #ThatFridayLinky Please come back next week for

  5. Jaki says:

    Oh people like this really grate me! I wouldn’t have been able to keep my mouth shut! There is just no need! Thanks so much for linking up to #TriumphantTales – hope to see you again on Tuesday!

    • I always thought that I would be quite mouthy if someone said something to me. I’m not normally lost for words. I was so stunned. I am glad that I wasn’t rude back though.

  6. The_tale_of_mummyhood says:

    Popping back to this fabulous post from #Blogstravaganza xx

  7. Gareth Torrance says:

    I just don’t get why people judge parents… I’ve had times when people have actually asked me if my daughter was mine! I’ve been told I’m not a real man because I’m actively involved in caring for my daughter – in that instance, I was changing her nappy, which apparently is something men just aren’t supposed to do…

  8. Lisa Pomerantz says:

    I think this universe needs a dose of empathy, a large dose at that! #triumphanttales

  9. Mackenzie Glanville says:

    Brilliant post! Hubby and I looked young when we had our first, I remember shopping for baby things and people commenting negatively towards us, when i’d say well he is 28 and I am 27 they were shocked and embarrassed, but it goes to show that a lot of young parents must be judged and it is no ones business.

    • It’s such a shame that people feel that they have a right to make comment like that. When I’ve mentioned it before, I’ve been told they probably didn’t mean anything they just didn’t think but that’s the problem, not thinking before speaking……

  10. CrazyJoggingGymLady says:

    Unfortunatley I think all mums get judged in one way or another. It is sad really, why can’t everyone just be pleasant.

  11. Matthew Blythe says:

    Where to start! Being a single male adopter has always met with disparaging comments, how do you do it, you must be a saint…blah blah blah. People who have never even met my two say how amazing we have done – which clearly means I didn’t send them back! The worst comment was actually from a social worker who we bumped into. She actually said she was surprised we were still together, her team never thought I would cope. That was nine years ago.And yes , we are still together..

  12. SiobhanButel says:

    Definitely! Judged if we order her (shock horror) nuggets in a restaurant, or if she has a tantrum in the park, but I think I’ve developed a thicker skin these days, and sooo much sympathy for other parents when they’re getting ‘the looks’ from strangers! #Blogstravaganza

    • Oh heaven forbid we aren’t all cooking steamed vegetables for our children on a daily basis! I too have thicker skin, I think you have to otherwise all the tuts you hear and the ‘in my day’ comments.

  13. The_tale_of_mummyhood says:

    I hate it when people think they have the right to pass judgement. My two were born 10.5 months apart, both very much wanted and very much planned. But like Lianne, I’ve had so many comments that have been so intrusive and uncalled for. I’m very much a believer in ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ xx

  14. Muffin top mummy blog says:

    Woah what on earth!? I will never ever understand the need to judge someone else. Like you say, you literally have no idea what position a stranger is in, so what makes you think you have any say in what they do/don’t do!? And why would anyone else care for that matter. All of these are terrible – parents deserve so much better! I’m yet to encounter any negative comments, but I hope that when/if I do, I’ll be brave enough to stand my ground. At least I’ll know I’m not alone x

    • I know! I couldn’t believe it. Then when you talk about it, it’s surprising as to how many people it actually happens to. I hope it never happens to you.

      • Muffin top mummy blog says:

        At least I’m prepared if it does! I really hope I’d feel confident enough to stand my ground. Popping back over to say thanks for linking up to #Blogstravaganza