Share Your Story is a new weekly series on my blog. Each week I will have a guest that will take over the reins for one post. A chance for them to share their story with you. For you to have a glimpse into their lives. It could be a positive story about weight-loss or starting up a business, or raising awareness for something close to their hearts. I have seen so many inspirational stories flood my inbox over the last few weeks. I cannot wait to share them with you and for you to meet these wonderful people. So to start the series off, here is my story.
**Trigger warning – This post is about Miscarriage**
Share Your Story – Pickle & Poppet
This will be one of the most difficult posts that I have ever written. In fact I have written about it so many times and then hit delete on the whole thing. I’m not really sure why, I guess I have always worried that people will think that ‘I go on about it’ too much. I know it isn’t the case as I have never really spoken about, well not to anyone outside my family.
Let me start at the beginning……
It was New Years Eve, going into 2012, Sam and I had been out to a party and we were pretty drunk. I (as I always did when I was drunk) was asking when he was going to marry me. Sam hated the thought of being centre of attention, and I knew that but was really shocked when he said “I would rather have a baby”. I had always thought that we would get married first but when he said that something changed and I realised that a baby was what I wanted to. Obviously, you can’t make these decisions when drunk and so it was something we spoke about for a while afterwards.
We decided that we wanted to try for a baby and I came off of the pill. I had been on the pill for a long time but had been told that it was fine to try as soon as I came off the pill. We decided that we weren’t going to try for a baby, we were just going to stop trying not to have a baby. As soon as I came off the pill I fell pregnant, I don’t actually think there was a cycle in between. We couldn’t believe it and we were so happy.
I know traditionally people don’t tell anyone until the 12 week scan but we were too excited.
We told our close family and closest friends the news and everyone was so happy for us. As the weeks went on I felt fine, no sickness, no tiredness. I was one of the lucky ones!
It’s strange, and anyone will tell you, once you see the word ‘pregnant’ on the test your whole mindset changes. You’re parents and as the Mummy, you start to look after yourself better, vitamins, healthier food, less caffeine.
We were so excited, we had picked names, early I know but we couldn’t wait! We were planning out everything. It was such an exciting time.
Then one Sunday we had my parents coming over for lunch, I was going to cook a roast.
I went to the toilet and I was spotting a little. I thought I was perhaps seeing things and ignored it as best I could. The next time I went to the bathroom there was a little more until it got to the point I needed to put a pantyliner on. With Google being my best friend I searched and there was some sites about implantation bleeding or it could be the start of a miscarriage. I was obviously upset and Sam suggested we call the midwives which I did.
They tried to reassure me the best they could and booked me an appointment to go to the Early Pregnancy Centre (EPC) on the Monday morning. My Mum had told me about how she had similar when she was pregnant with me and tried to reassure me that everything would be OK. I tried to keep upbeat but it felt like time was on a go slow.
We arrived at the EPC and I was thankful that it was empty.
I have read so many stories where other couples in this situation have been made to wait with very pregnant ladies. The midwife was lovely and spoke to us about our concerns. She then took us into the ultrasound room. She explained how the ultrasound would work and put the jelly on belly. The first time you have a scan should be full of excitement and not worry, dread or fear. But that was what we felt.
She asked how far along I thought I was and I confidently told her 9 weeks. She rolled across my belly, backwards and forwards, she said she couldn’t really see anything but explained it was very common so early on in the pregnancy. Because of how early I was she needed to do a transvaginal ultrasound. It was uncomfortable but not painful. We waited and waited.
“I’m really sorry but I cannot see a heartbeat. I can see the sac but there isn’t a heartbeat. Are you sure of your dates?”
I cried. There was no way my dates were wrong. I knew when my last period was and so I knew what that meant. We were taken back into the midwives room to discuss what happened next.
The midwife explained that as we were so early on they couldn’t confirm that we had miscarried. We had to go home and let nature takes it course and return in a week when they would carry out another scan to make sure that there wasn’t anything left behind. And that was it. We was sent home. When we got home we both cried. We didn’t need to speak we just cried together.
What happened next feels like a bit of a blur.
Sam called my parents and his parents and each time he said those words “we’ve lost the baby” the tears would start again. We were supposed to be going to the comedy club with friends that night so cancelled and told them what was happening. The rest of the day went in a bit of a blur of tears. Just as the tears would stop I would hear the words again and off I went again.
A few days later when we were in bed I started to get awful cramps. They were so painful that I was crying again. I knew what this was. It was happening. This was the night we lost our baby. I was numb. I just wanted someone to take the pain and hurting away. The only thing that was taken away was our dreams. With the flush of the toilet our dreams had gone.
The next morning I asked Sam to call the EPC to see if we could go back and have the scan. I wanted it ‘over’. The midwife said we could. Another transvaginal scan confirmed that our baby had gone.
Piece by piece we came to terms with what had happened. We grieved and together we got through it. Eventually we were ready to try again.
Unfortunately we lost our second baby as well at five weeks. What came next was months of obsessing about falling pregnant and months of failed pregnancy tests.
Eventually we did get our happy ever after and now have our two beautiful rainbows.
I will never forget what we went through when went through the miscarriages. I’m much more sensitive to other people as well, not asking when they’re going to start a family. You just don’t know what is going on behind closed doors.
If you would like to take part in the “Share Your Story” series then do get in touch by email [email protected]