Welcome back to the Share Your Story series. Last week Connie from Earth to Connie spoke about learning to compromise in a relationship. This week I have a lovely lady here to share her story about her abortion experience. She goes by the name Weird ‘n’ Liberated Blogger, here she is…
Weird ‘n’ Liberated Blogger
Weird ‘n’ Liberated blogger is a human resources management student in her twenties. She grew up in East London, South Africa where she moved back to after she dropped out of university (the first time around). Currently she is working as an administrator while pursuing a degree. She’s the elder of 2 daughters, enjoys reading and is passionate about health and fitness as it has helped her to deal with her skin problems; she suffers from scalp eczema.
She’s a huge Marvel fan and enjoys bingeing on movies with her sister. She started writing because she found it therapeutic.
Last year doctors found pre-cancerous cells in her uterus which she had to have surgically removed. She likes to write about things that are close to her or that have affected her in some way. Now she is happy, healthy and enjoying life and hopes to become a writer one day.
Her blog is her happy place where she feels she can freely express herself and let others know that they are not alone in some of their experiences.
My Abortion Experience
Many women don’t speak about this, yet a lot of women go through it for various reasons. A whole lot more than one would think and there’s this stigma attached to getting abortions and it is something that we as a society should address. You can never even begin to imagine what it’s like until you have to go through it yourself. I know people say things like it’s your fault, you should have known better, hell I used to be one of them (I kind of still am).
Anyways here’s my story…
I had just turned 21 and I felt like my life just wasn’t enough. I wanted more; more out of life, my relationships and more for myself. So I ended a 2 and a half year relationship that I didn’t see going anywhere and started dating what one would call a “bad boy”. He was a bad boy in the sense that he was nothing like my ex who was inexperienced with women. He was bold, intelligent and charming, but also the kind of man your mom would probably warn you to stay away from.
We were madly in love (or so I thought). He gave me this rush I had never felt before and I LOVED it. I felt more alive when I was with him and also more myself. When it was good it was great and when it was bad… Well it was awful.
I don’t know what it was but there was just something about him that I couldn’t shake. I wanted him, all of him, but that was just something he couldn’t give; I later realized.
We had been dating a few months and our sex life was great but I had always been careful. In fact in my previous 2 and a half year relationship I had never had unprotected sex. Even when I was on birth control.
I guess I should have known better but I somehow let him convince me that it was okay… Anyways this one time we were lying in bed just talking and he mentioned casually in a conversation that the previous time we were together he had removed the condom while we were having sex.
I thought he was playing some kind of a sick joke but he was being dead serious.
I immediately just get up and left because I just did not know what else to do at that point, I was furious. Furious at the fact that I had let this happen, furious because I should have felt the difference, furious for the mere fact that I had trusted him yet he thought it was okay to do such a thing. I mean I thought he loved me and I felt so betrayed. How could he do this to me???
Weeks after the incident (the unprotected sex I didn’t know was unprotected); I started noticing small changes in my body; which I almost immediately dismissed. My clothes were tight, my boobs seemed to be growing then I realized that I hadn’t had my period in a while. I went downstairs to the nearest store and bought a pregnancy test because I’m a “need to know NOW” kind of person. Yeah…the test came back positive which is exactly what I had feared but had known after all the warning signs – I was pregnant. I knew immediately though that I was not going to be a mom. Having a kid was out of the question. How the hell was I going to explain to my mom who had just thrown me a 21st birthday just a few months ago that I was pregnant and I did not want to be a mom! Not yet.
I called my boyfriend immediately and told him that we needed to talk urgently. He was too busy drinking with his friends at the time to come and talk to me so I ended up telling him via text and he came down immediately.
Funny thing was he seemed happy at the news even though I had made it clear that we were not going to keep it. He ended up respecting my decision and helped me find a clinic, which we then visited about a week later. I had to use my grocery allowance from my parents to pay for all of this because I did not want them to know. We went there together and they did an ultrasound and they told me that I was actually 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I just went numb… All of this was happening during test season so I was not studying and I couldn’t concentrate on anything really. I was angry with myself for waiting for so long to go to the clinic.
We scraped some cash together and got enough to pay for the abortion procedure. I was given 2 pills to take; I took 1 immediately at the clinic and the other I was instructed to take at a specific time the following day. That second pill was a real mother f**ker; it’s the one that empties the uterus.
I went from being fine one second to experiencing excruciating stomach cramps, diarrhoea, sweating and feeling freezing cold.
I have never felt a stomach cramp like that in my life! I was running up and down to the bathroom, hoping nobody would notice me and ask what was going on because I did not know what I would tell them. I didn’t want to cause a scene. I was throwing up and I had diarrhoea basically at the same time. Later my roommate came back I was praying she wouldn’t notice anything. I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could so she wouldn’t see the hell was going through.
I tried to get some sleep but was woken up by a sudden movement in my lower stomach and before I could even make it to my door I felt I huge clump of I didn’t know what coming out of my vagina and blood started gushing down my legs; soaking my pyjamas. I ran to the bathroom with this lump in my pants as fast as I could, convinced I would find a baby in my pants. I was absolutely terrified.
It was nothing but a huge clumpy mess of blood which I then flushed down the toilet and washed my blood soaked pants. I don’t know how nobody saw or even noticed me. I was afraid it was going to turn into a huge scene and everybody on my res floor would found out.
I bled for I think it was about a week after that.
I did not even attend lectures because I was afraid I would bleed out in front of everyone. Instead I stayed alone in my room until I felt like it was safe. All I did was cry day after day. I couldn’t eat or talk to anyone about what was happening. I so badly wanted to call my mom but I knew she would come down and make me go home. Besides she was like 300 kilometres away so I did not see the point.
I know you’re probably wondering why I was not taking birth control
Well I felt like I never needed it before. I had always used condoms and they worked for me just fine for years so I did not think it was necessary for anything else. I went on the contraceptive injection after the abortion even though I had hated the idea of injecting things into my body. I mean I had been with my previous boyfriend for 2 and a half years without any baby slip ups. We were very responsible and I always try to be. If it was not for my ex “stealthing” I probably never would have gone through any of this. I take full responsibility for my part in the pregnancy. (By the way; stealthing is when your partner removes the condom during sex without your knowledge).
That was the worst and most traumatizing experience of my life. It made me feel weak and guilty and depressed.
That was my lowest point in life especially since I felt like I went through all of it by myself. The guy I was dating was not very supportive, he was dealing with his own demons, don’t know. We ended breaking up a while later and I was depressed after that. That rest of that year was terrible, I just felt like I had dug myself into a hole I couldn’t get out of, and I was drowning. I felt scared and alone and my whole life just fell apart.
I tried to start over and move on from that experience but it became too much for me. I ended up moving back home and dropping out of university because I just wanted a fresh start. Actually, I was academically excluded for poor performance and I did not bother to appeal. I was done. It took me a long time to actually feel good about myself again and learn to love and forgive myself for what I did.
I never in a million years imagined I would go through anything like that.
I know many of you are against my decision and think it was murder and that it was wrong; but I believe I have the right to decide what happens to my body. I did not plan on getting pregnant, it was due to stealthing. I thought I was with someone I could trust and sadly I was wrong. The last thing I would expect someone to do is to remove a condom during sex. I have always been sexually responsible and I did everything in my power not to fall pregnant my entire sexually active life. To this day I do not regret my decision. I now know better than to completely trust my partner and that I should always take extra precautions. It was a very difficult experience and I have not been in a serious relationship since.
Abortion is not a topic we should shy away from.
We should talk about it and address such issues as women and remove the stigma behind it. I did not want to talk about what I was/ had gone through with anyone for fear of being judged. There were days when all I did was cry and sleep and I didn’t know who to turn to. My mom is not the type of person who understands any of this so I never felt like I could talk to her and when I finally did all she said was that that’s just what boys do. I stupidly tried talking to an ex because he was the closest person to me at some point and he basically said I deserved everything I was going through which only depressed me even more.
Fast track to today; I am happy and healthy and glad to report that my fertility was not affected by the whole process because that was my greatest fear. I did have a bit of a cervical cancer scare; I don’t know whether or not it is related.
There were times when it felt like I would never get through this experience but I did. It hasn’t overshadowed my life or made me feel negative towards getting pregnant (on purpose) in the future. I spoke to my gynaecologist who said he doesn’t see any reason why it would affect my fertility and that everything in terms of my reproductive organs looks healthy. I do hope to have kids one day when I meet the right person.
I hope that someone learns from my mistakes and does better than I did. It is important to have a good support system when you go through experiences like this – I didn’t have one. I had to be strong for myself because I did not have a choice but to be and I learnt a great deal about myself through the whole process. I do take extra precautions now when I am in a relationship but I haven’t had a serious relationship since, the whole ordeal left me with serious trust issues that I am still working through.
Thank you for sharing your story, I can’t begin to imagine what it was like having to make that decision. No one should have to make that decision because of someone else’s actions.
If you would like to read more of Weird ‘n’ Liberated then head over to the following;