So those that read my blog regularly will know that last week was my first week back at work. With it now being Sunday night I’ve decided to reflect on last week.
In a blink and a blur it was the Sunday before I was going back to work.
I had spent the whole weekend in floods of tears. Tears that my maternity leave had come to an end. Sad I was going back to work and leaving Jessica with the nursery. Guilty that I was going to be working longer days than I wanted.
Worst of all, I felt shamed that part of me was excited to be going back. Why would I be excited about being at work and away from my children? That’s not right is it? This made me feel terrible but it is the truth, part of me was excited. I would be thinking about what I was doing, using my brain. I would be Jo, and not just Reuben and Jessica’s mummy. There would be adults! Actual adults to talk to. I needed that! The last few months Mr Bloom had become my crush so I definitely needed to be out, with adults. But that didn’t help, guilt was kicking my arse and I was a bloody mess!
Monday was hard. Really bloody hard.
The morning was fine. It is such a rush to get out of the door on time that I didn’t have time to think about what was happening. I was more concerned on making sure that we were getting ready and that we were on time. Thanks to some excellent tips, we managed to get out of the house on time, just!
The drive to nursery/preschool was like any other journey. Chatting to Reuben about what he could see, Jessica babbling until she fell asleep. We arrived at the setting and dropped Reuben off first. I reminded him that Nana was picking him up and I would see him later. He was fine. He ran off and played with his friends.
Round to the baby room. The walk to that room I could feel the lump slowly rising in my throat. Jessica smiling away, no idea what was going on. I arrived to the room and the girls were great. They followed my lead. I told them her routine had changed, when her nappy was last done and that everything was OK. There was nothing else to tell them. I couldn’t put it off any longer. It was then that the lump exploded from my throat, my voice cracked and the tears welled. I passed over my baby, said goodbye and left before the tears spilled from eyes. I didn’t want to make Jessica cry. Tears leaked from my eyes all the way to the car where I managed to pull myself together ready to drive to work.
The day went by really quickly. I had a lot of catching up to do and so keeping busy really helped me. I called the nursery at lunchtime to see how she was doing. She had some tears but had been fine. She was happy playing. My mum was picking them up between 3 and 3.30. When she got home she text me to let me know they were OK. I just had to get to 6 and the day would be over.
I got to my parents, got the kids ready for bed and gave Jessica a bottle. Put them in the car, took them home and put them to bed. The day was done. Well work wise anyway. We still had to eat dinner and get ready for the next day. We finally sat down at 9pm. I had made it!
But then it happened. I cried. First a few tears but in no time at all I was sobbing. Sam asked me what was making me sad. Being at work. Working until 6. I’m doing the one thing that I vowed I would never do. I was getting the kids ready to be looked after by someone else and then putting them to bed. It might only be two nights a week but those two days I do not get to see my babies for more than a couple of hours. My heart broke. It is only for a short time, until Reuben goes to school but it doesn’t make it any easier.
The Rest of the Week
The rest of the week went smoothly. Each morning we had our routine and we got out the door on time. The nursery drop got easier. I settled back into my working role. It is still difficult working 9-6 on the Monday and Wednesday but it is made bearable by working until 3 on Tuesday and Fridays and more importantly, having Thursday’s off.
Thursday we spent the time playing. Actually playing for most of the day. We watched a little TV and a friend came over but it was a day just about us. It was lovely.
It will get easier. Soon it will just be a way of life.
Once we have nailed the routine, morning and evening it will be easier. I’m not saying I’m going to feel better about being at work, or working late. I will always feel bad but that’s being a mum. Mummy guilt. And the fact that I feel guilty makes me know that I’m doing an OK job.